Why Do I Keep Pulling Away From People?
Have you ever noticed yourself withdrawing from people you care about, even when you crave connection? Maybe you avoid returning calls, cancel plans at the last minute, or feel distant in conversations. Pulling away from others can feel confusing, especially when part of you longs for closeness.
In trauma therapy, clients often ask, “Why do I keep pushing people away?” The answer usually lies in past experiences. Trauma, whether from childhood neglect, abusive relationships, or other painful events, shapes the way we view connection and safety. While withdrawing may feel frustrating, it is often a protective response that once helped you survive.
Why Trauma Makes Us Pull Away
The Nervous System on Guard
Trauma conditions the nervous system to stay alert for danger. Even safe relationships can trigger feelings of vulnerability. Pulling away feels like a way to stay in control.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
For many trauma survivors, intimacy feels risky. The closer someone gets, the more they could hurt or leave you. Distancing yourself first can feel like self-protection.
Shame and Self-Doubt
Trauma often leaves survivors with beliefs like “I am not lovable” or “I will only hurt others.” These thoughts make it hard to accept care or connection, leading to withdrawal.
Overwhelm in Relationships
Relationships require emotional energy. For people carrying unresolved trauma, this energy is already taxed. Avoidance becomes a way to cope with overwhelm.
The Cost of Pulling Away
While withdrawing may feel safe, it often comes with painful consequences:
Loneliness: Isolation deepens feelings of disconnection and sadness.
Strained Relationships: Loved ones may feel confused or rejected.
Missed Support: Avoidance cuts you off from the comfort and healing connection can provide.
Reinforced Beliefs: Pulling away can confirm negative beliefs like “I cannot trust anyone.”
How Trauma Therapy Helps
Trauma therapy is designed to help you understand and transform these patterns with compassion. It is not about forcing connection but about creating safety so closeness feels possible.
Understanding Your Triggers
Therapists help you identify the situations or feelings that make you withdraw. By naming triggers, you can begin to anticipate and manage them instead of shutting down.
Calming the Nervous System
Grounding exercises, breathwork, and mindfulness techniques reduce the fight-or-flight response that fuels withdrawal. A calmer body makes connection feel less threatening.
Rewriting Beliefs
Therapy helps you challenge thoughts like “I am unlovable” or “Everyone will leave.” With time, you can replace them with more balanced, compassionate beliefs.
Practicing Safe Connection
In trauma therapy, the relationship with the therapist becomes a safe place to practice connection. This experience can gradually extend into other relationships.
Practical Steps to Stay Connected
Even outside therapy, there are gentle ways to reduce the pattern of pulling away:
Start Small: Reach out to one trusted friend with a short text or call.
Be Honest: Share with loved ones that you sometimes withdraw when overwhelmed.
Schedule Connection: Put small social check-ins on your calendar to keep connection intentional.
Balance Alone and Together Time: Allow yourself breaks while also making space for others.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that pulling away is not failure. It is a protective strategy you can gently shift over time.
When to Seek Support
If withdrawal is interfering with your relationships, work, or quality of life, professional help may be needed. Trauma therapy provides a safe and structured space to process past wounds, calm the nervous system, and learn new ways of relating.
You deserve connection that feels safe and nourishing. Healing is not about rushing into closeness. It is about slowly building the trust that allows you to stay present without fear.
Final Thoughts
Pulling away from people does not mean you are broken. It means your mind and body are still protecting you from past pain. The pattern is understandable, but it does not have to define you forever.
Through trauma therapy and gentle self-compassion, you can learn to stay connected, create safe boundaries, and build relationships that honor both your need for closeness and your need for safety. Healing is possible, and connection can become a source of strength rather than fear.
